Category Archives: Learning About Therapy

Can We Help Each Other Change?

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Couples who are coming into counseling to deal with anger in their relationship often wonder:  Is this really going to help?   Will the therapist be able to help my partner see things differently?  Will this be worth the time and effort?

To me, it seems to be a question of hope.  Is there hope?  Yes, there is.  Hope does not disappoint (Romans 5:5) but the answers to our questions might be disappointing. We can’t change our loved ones and they can’t change us. The hope lies in learning that we can help each other change by changing ourselves.

For example, asking ourselves questions like this: What was I doing right before the temper flare?  Was I pushing buttons?  Was I criticizing or yelling?  Was I stonewalling?   Realizing that tempers are not lost in a “vacuum,” we look for the extenuating circumstances.

When we start to look at the big picture and at our part in the big picture, we begin to understand what we can do to help our loved one solve what we’ve been thinking of as “their” problem.  It begins to become an “our” problem.

Taking this position of helping each other change is one sure way to make therapy worth the time and effort. If we can recognize the triggers that lead to our partner’s losing their temper, we can learn ways of coping that will be more effective.  An equally important piece of the puzzle is learning their buttons, choosing not to push them, and letting the other person walk away when they need to.  When we learn more effective ways of communicating, we’ll be more successful  when we sit down and try to solve a problem.

If we think that we’re just an innocent bystander and the conflict is all about our partner, we might want to spend some time asking God to show us our blind spots. Or we could even ask our partner what they think we contribute to their temper flare ups. When we are able to control our anxiety and consider another person’s point of view, we can learn something  important about our relationship journey.  Controlling our anxiety and agreeing to hear constructive criticism isn’t easy but it can be done, especially when our partner is willing to offer their thoughts in a kind and gentle way.

John Gottman, in his work at the University of Washington, says that if you can allow your partner to influence you and if your partner can gently share their opinions, you’re well on your way to a healthy relationship. And a healthy relationship can tackle many mountains, including the anger mountain–when you’re doing it together.

Understanding Childhood Grief

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Loss affects all people – children and adults – in profound and unique ways. One interesting and often challenging feature of grief is that it is a personal, subjective experience – no two people’s experiences of grief, even over the same loss, are the same. It is, therefore, important that parents and caregivers work to understand their children’s possible grieving. Then can a child receive the support they might not know how to ask for, and feel understood when they are in an emotional state that can feel foreign, confusing and uncomfortable.

In anticipation of or following a loss, the following guidelines can help facilitate a child’s grieving in a way that promotes healthy development. Symptoms can vary in children, from sadness to anger and irritability, loss of appetite, and difficulty sleeping. Understand that no loss is too great or too small to grieve. The experience of loss is relative to the person, so the death of a pet can be as painful as the death of a loved family member. What causes grief can be different for every child.

Answer all questions and tell the truth. When a child is curious, give him or her answers in ways that are clear and easy to understand. The less a child has to wonder, the less he or she is likely to rely on fantasy or imagination, which often can cause anxiety. Difficult feelings are actually opportunities. While it can be difficult to see a child feeling sad or in pain, resist the urge to “make it better.” Instead, join in the sharing of their hard feelings, helping to name the feelings when that is possible.

Remember, the goal is not to “get over” a loss, but rather to learn how to live with the reality of it in healthy ways. There is no timeline. Understand that grief is a personal process that requires working through very difficult feelings. Rushing this process can get in the way, unintentionally drawing the grief out longer than it needs to be.

What Brings Men to Counseling?

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Samaritan’s Men Counselors Reflect on the Question

It may happen in their 30s, 40s, 50s or later.  Men who have dealt with everything life has handed them – those whom Michael Rogers, a therapist and formerly the clinical director at Samaritan Center of Puget Sound, describes as “testosterone-driven fixers”– find that their defenses are wearing thin.  The pressures come at them from all sides.  Frustration, depression and anxiety threaten to overwhelm them and their relationships.  “At the point when they can’t outrun their fear,” Michael said, “it’s usually through someone close to them who sees or feels their distress – a doctor, wife, employer, or friend – that they come to counseling.”

“In fact,” said Rob Erickson, one of the 12 men who provide counseling at Samaritan, “it’s often the women in their lives who ask them (either lovingly or with some level of hostility) to come to counseling.”

Gary Steeves, Samaritan’s coordinator in South King County, noted that he eventually had to admit that he couldn’t fix himself in the aftermath of an auto accident several years ago.  Physical therapy and “dealing with it myself” was only helpful up to a point, he said.  “It was as if I was carrying that traumatic experience around in my body.  I was like a block of concrete.”  When he finally went to a movement therapist, he said it was transformative.  “First of all, the roles were reversed.  Someone was working with me—not ‘fixing’ me but, rather, helping me manage those forces within me.  I think it is incredibly powerful when we face our limitations and our vulnerability.  We can stop carrying the mantle of having to do everything by ourselves.”

Mar Houglum, a pastoral counselor as well as marriage and family therapist, said that he thinks it is “a huge step for men to seek help.  They resist the notion that talking with someone who listens in a safe, affirming, empathic way could be helpful.  I find that when they take that risk, they find a sense of greater ease with themselves—a generosity with themselves.”

Michael Rogers notes that there are a number of men’s groups in the area.  “I’ve been part of a small men’s group for years,” Michael said, “and I have to tell you that we aren’t nearly as good at self-disclosure as women are.  It takes us a long time to get to an authentic level of sharing.”

“Coming into therapy seems to give men ‘a Walden Pond’,” said Bill Collins, who has been with Samaritan as a therapist and supervisor for many years.  “It provides a reflective space where they can take stock of themselves and consider healing possibilities.  In The Way of Man, Martin Buber notes that Yahweh asks Adam in the garden, ‘Where are you, Adam?’ not because Yahweh does not know the answer, but because Adam doesn’t know the answer.”