Category Archives: Spirituality

A Restaurant, a Waitress, a Chef and Me

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Several times a year I go away for several days for alone time and solitude in order to refresh and renew my being.  I was reading and reflecting about agape love, that unconditional love that Jesus invites us to embrace, as well as the Spirit of Agape.  As I returned to the mountain village where I was staying for an evening meal, I became intentional about “being love” to anything I encountered and to be in the Spirit of that love.

The voice inside me spoke and guided me away from the restaurants I was considering earlier in the day.  Walking a mile from the heart of this village, in the rain, seemed so absurd.  There, the last hotel and restaurant in town seemed to draw my feet and soul.  When I glanced at the menu, my jaw dropped.  On it were items from the Swabian Alps in Southwest Germany, where my paternal ancestors resided before coming to America.  These dishes are a cultural heritage, yet not seen outside of that region.

I sat alone at a table.  The waitress approached and asked me to please be gentle with her because it was her first night on the job.  I told her we would get through this together.  I asked her before she offered me any water, to please inform the chef that I was taken by the menu selections.  In a matter of moments Chef Joe poked his head out of the kitchen, found my gaze upon him, and lifted up his thumb in gratitude.  An energy and synergy was in the air.  To my surprise, it was not the waitress that brought me my German dinner delight, it was Chef Joe!

The next day I was led back to the same restaurant.  This time I asked the waitress to ask the chef if he would prepare a meal with two of the other Swabian Alp menu offerings onto one plate.  Chef Joe came and asked me if I liked red cabbage.  I replied, “yes.”  Then Chef Joe replied, “I’ll take care of you.”  The level of energy between the chef, the waitress and myself was so noticeable that the hotel manager came to me and asked if I she could take a photo of the meal prepared for me by Chef Joe.  She wanted to get her corporate boss to get approval to add this dish to the menu.

Chef Joe personally brought me my meal of three different Swabian Alp delights.  I then told him what had me so appreciative of these dishes-I had travelled three years ago to the Swabian Alps region to frequent the region of my ancestors.  He then asked me if I wanted to know anything about him.  I  learned that he knew all about this region, that he was trained to be a chef in the Pearl of the Swiss Alps, that he and his team won the Olympic Chef Gold Medal. The connection between us, the waitress, the management was so spirit filled with love for the invisible reality that makes up our very being and nature in this time and space.

What a difference awareness of being agape and in its spirit makes.  Without it I would have simply sat at the table, had a meal, watched the TV, paid the bill and departed — never connecting with anyone.

Can We Help Each Other Change?

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Couples who are coming into counseling to deal with anger in their relationship often wonder:  Is this really going to help?   Will the therapist be able to help my partner see things differently?  Will this be worth the time and effort?

To me, it seems to be a question of hope.  Is there hope?  Yes, there is.  Hope does not disappoint (Romans 5:5) but the answers to our questions might be disappointing. We can’t change our loved ones and they can’t change us. The hope lies in learning that we can help each other change by changing ourselves.

For example, asking ourselves questions like this: What was I doing right before the temper flare?  Was I pushing buttons?  Was I criticizing or yelling?  Was I stonewalling?   Realizing that tempers are not lost in a “vacuum,” we look for the extenuating circumstances.

When we start to look at the big picture and at our part in the big picture, we begin to understand what we can do to help our loved one solve what we’ve been thinking of as “their” problem.  It begins to become an “our” problem.

Taking this position of helping each other change is one sure way to make therapy worth the time and effort. If we can recognize the triggers that lead to our partner’s losing their temper, we can learn ways of coping that will be more effective.  An equally important piece of the puzzle is learning their buttons, choosing not to push them, and letting the other person walk away when they need to.  When we learn more effective ways of communicating, we’ll be more successful  when we sit down and try to solve a problem.

If we think that we’re just an innocent bystander and the conflict is all about our partner, we might want to spend some time asking God to show us our blind spots. Or we could even ask our partner what they think we contribute to their temper flare ups. When we are able to control our anxiety and consider another person’s point of view, we can learn something  important about our relationship journey.  Controlling our anxiety and agreeing to hear constructive criticism isn’t easy but it can be done, especially when our partner is willing to offer their thoughts in a kind and gentle way.

John Gottman, in his work at the University of Washington, says that if you can allow your partner to influence you and if your partner can gently share their opinions, you’re well on your way to a healthy relationship. And a healthy relationship can tackle many mountains, including the anger mountain–when you’re doing it together.